I'm so fucking centered right now
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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