I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
