Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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