I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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