I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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