Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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