my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
