He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
