I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
