I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Sorry about my life...
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
