Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
