How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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