I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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