I wish I could teleport
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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