but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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