Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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