Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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