What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm both gender and math confused
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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