today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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