totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
