I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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