i need an iv and a liver transplant
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
