On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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