APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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