It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
