No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
