he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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