If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
