Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
