I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Oh god it's open bar.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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