they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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