dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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