Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
