found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
