The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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