i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Everyone says I win the strip club
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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