Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
