Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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