Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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