So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
