insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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