I am in a vortex of obligation.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
In other news, I just burned my penis
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Randomize
