i'm signing you up for texting rehab
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
