Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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