Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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