Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
