no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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