I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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