u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
