Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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