i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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