I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My bed smells like the plague
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
