based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
