I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
